I Burn Stuff.

I tried to be The Good Wife the other night and make Simon a succulent dinner consisting of Maple Grilled Salmon, Au Gratin Potatoes, and Oven Roasted Green Beans.  Seriously, I am BAD at cooking, so I was very excited to have found very simple recipes that were easy to follow, and didn't use big words.  For example, the potatoes were SO simple - they came in a BOX! ;)  I even put on my ADORABLE Amy Butler apron that I made from scratch, just to look the part.  NOTE: after re-reading this paragraph, I realize that this is TOTAL foreshadowing that I am paying more attention to my accessories than the food.

Then it started raining.

OK, don't panic, Simon just bought an indoor grilling dealy that fits over 2 burners on the stove, so I can TOTALLY do this in here.  WOO! I busted it out, heated it up, got the rest of the stuff going, put the dry rub on the salmon (mmm), and off I went.  Then, it came time to put the salmon on the grill.

This is the part where I learn something the hard way.  Shit I put on the grill SMOKES (especially with a dry rub) and I never noticed it because I never grill ever the grill is OUTSIDE.  So I pop on that stupid microwave fan clearing my view of the mild smoke (all the while pumping it BACK into the room out of that STUPID, pointless vent above my head), so I continue.  I seriously think Simon could see the room filling up with smoke, but wanted MORE to laugh at me cuz I can't even cook stupid fish.

THEN the smoke alarms go off.  And, since we have ADT, not ONLY are they all wired together AND all going off at once, BUT, they automagically call the fire department after they have been on for so long.  AWESOME.

I grab a chair and my 'in testing' City Mate bag, and begin to fan the holy CRAP out of the smoke alarm that is *brilliantly* right next to the kitchen.  I am fanning my ace off, nothing is happening, and the smoke seems to be getting worse.  OH RIGHT - THE SALMON!  Simon is in the kitchen by now, turns off the salmon, opens every window in the entire house, and FINALLY my fanning is rewarded with the sound of ringing in my ears SILENCE.

The salmon had a nice burnt crisp outside to it, but the inside wasn't even friggin cooked.  I nuked mine in that worthless microwave, ate it (the dry rub was actually quite good!), and stomped upstairs to pout by myself, thinking how SAD it was that I have fantastic craftiness skills and NO cooking skills whatsoever.  I blame that on my brother - he sucked up all the cooking skills.  He is a CHEF, and I can't even cook pasta al dente. I rock.

I found Simon's somewhat-eaten salmon in a tupperware in the fridge the next morning.  I am the best wife EVER. ;)

Now, for your culinary delights, some wonderful pictures of what my amazing husband can whip up out of a can of tomato sauce and a slice of bread to make me feel even worse about myself!

*whine*

If he wants to eat, he has 2 options:

1.) Cook it himself, or
2.) Hand me the phone.